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50 SHOCKING Things You Never Say To A Client In Your Virtual Assistant Business

Michelle Dale - Friday, February 24, 2012

I’m going to cut to the chase. I love “talking shop” about virtual assistance, but I also feel that every now and again, we need to have some fun. So today I am gifting you with 50 of the stupidest things I could ever think of saying to a client, based on the fact that I never see my clients in the flesh and I work totally over the Net. And even if just 1 of these 50 lines of text, (maybe number 50) raises a smile for you, or makes you laugh then I’ll be happy as a sandboy.

To any of my clients reading this post, it’s for fun, I promise.

50 Things you should never say to a client…

  1. I’m not wearing any clothes, but you can’t see that right?
  2. iPhone, ummm yeah, I phone people too, so what?
  3. Could you hold the line, my 1 year old has just been sick all over my keyboard.
  4. I am great at organising parties and events, how about a cheese and pineapple hedgehog?
  5. Yeah I’m on Facebook, I’ll send you a Farmville request – let’s play!
  6. Yeah I’m on Twitter, do you want to join my mafia family?
  7. What’s the Internet?
  8. Yeah I am VA, because I can send email.
  9. The Net? Sorry, I don’t like fishing.
  10. Not right now, I’m just painting my nails, unless you want me to work and potentially smudge them?
  11. If I turn the webcam on, I can show you my pink fluffy bunny slippers which I bought with your retainer this month.
  12. Yeah I’m drunk, but you can’t see that right?
  13. Yeah I’m on LinkedIn, but I can’t link with you because I lied to you about my work history.
  14. I’m watching you right now….
  15. What’s a Doc? Oh yeah, you mean the guy from the 7 Dwarfs!
  16. Could you hold the line, the dog is on my lap and my leg is going numb.
  17. Yeah I am a VA, you mean I live in Virginia right?
  18. Do you know I can work naked and you’ll never know… Oh! Now you do…
  19. Don’t get your knickers in a twist – yeah dude, I can see them from here.
  20. Could you hold the line, I need to go for a pee.
  21. Do you know I have rainbow coloured hair?
  22. The about photo on my site was taken 45 years ago, but I haven’t aged much.
  23. Sure, I’ll Google your name… What’s Google?
  24. Yeah I’m sitting on the toilet now chatting to you from Skype on my iPad – how cool is that!
  25. SPAM filters, yeah those are ok, I prefer Spam Fritters.
  26. What’s Skype?
  27. Yeah I’ve been on line, but tightrope walking just wasn’t for me.
  28. Deadline? Ohhh is that when someone’s heart stops?
  29. Pinterest, yeah I’m on pinterest, isn’t that ‘pinteresting’
  30. Is that really you on your profile pic? I thought you sounded way older!
  31. Yep, I am a naturist, work totally nude, feels liberating.
  32. Excuse me my son needs his feed, let me just adjust myself here and I’ll get right back to you.
  33. Sorry can’t do webcam, I’m sat here in my dressing gown.
  34. I’m great at time management, always change the battery in my watch every few months.
  35. You want to post on my wall? What are you a graffiti artist?
  36. You want to reach your market? Well, if I were you I’d the take the bus, parking is so expensive these days.
  37. Yeah I am on Pinterest, but those photos should of been taken down, Playboy never paid me for them.
  38. Can I hit your target?  Are you being rude or what?
  39. A Tweet? Are you calling me a bird?
  40. I LOVE working on the Internet, I can play World Of Warcraft while I’m supposed to be processing your customer support.
  41. You need support? Bless you, my granddad had a hernia once too.
  42. Of course I’ve heard of Mashable, but I prefer roast potatoes myself, or maybe French Fries.
  43. What’s a computer?
  44. Linux? Wasn’t she the one from Eurythmics?
  45. Sorry just need to mute myself a minute, I’m currently waxing my legs, and this is going to hurt like hell.
  46. I am SO sorry this is late, I was abducted by aliens.
  47. Am I your most favourite virtual assistant ever? I get very jealous you know…
  48. I HATE MY LIFE!!! – sorry, it’s that time of the month, what were you saying?
  49. No I don’t work on the Web! Spiders really creep me out.
  50. So, you want to know what an algorithm is… … … … Please leave a message after the beep – beeeeeeeeep. S**t.

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Hi I'm Michelle, an entrepreneur specialising in virtual assistance, a digital and real world nomad, and a down-to-earth mother of three.

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